Oh yeah, I’m going to get Dangerous here and put on my cranky old man pants. Time to take the piss out of some internet “celebs” and them there game playing circles.

But first… Clarification. I love a Longplay or Let’s Play as a concept. You just want to show off a game in its entirety? Sure. Don’t care how you splice the footage or if you Emulator, the point is showing the game off and how a boss is beat. I don’t care if you cut out the lives you lost, or if you used save states to cut down on the recording time. I’m not looking to admire you just check out a game, maybe use it as an alternative to a text-based walkthrough. That’s Cool.

Then we have Speedruns. See now it’s about bragging rights. It’s not enough to say “I beat the game” it’s “I beat the game faster than you ever could” and if you good enough “I beat the game faster than anyone in the world”. Now on the surface that’s kind of cool. You tore through Punch-Out faster than it takes me to figure out the rhythm to Great Tiger? I’ll give you a few seconds of props.

Buuuuuuuuut some of y’all take it too seriously. You put too much self-esteem into it. So you got to start breaking it down. “This is the world record for 100 percent” “This is any %” “This is the world record for any % on the NES original not the SNES port” Why? Oh so multiple people can have “the best” on their name. So if you make enough categories it’s like a participation trophy? You want a reward for the hundreds of hours you spent trying to shave two seconds off a 30-minute playthrough… Here’s some advice as a reward.

Get A Romantic Partner. Spend hundreds of hours interacting with people without a monitor between you. Twitch won’t hug ya and tell ya it’s all going to be okay when you have had a bad day.

Now that I’m properly warmed up and feeling saucy, let’s dip into the real rant. See what I did there? Sauce. Dip. Yeah I make Dad Jokes too. I’m skilled like that.

Speedrun Community get some sense and some pride. Stop paying attention to people who break the game to slash apart records. Glitch Exploitation, Sequence Breaking, and the worst… RNG Manipulation. NO NO STOP IT!

*hits you on the nose with a rolled up magazine then rubs your nose in it*

Glitch Exploitation is stupid and takes away the point of conquering. See when you intentionally trigger glitches that make the game do things it is not supposed to do you are CHEATING! “Oh if you do this crazy nonsense you can skip the dialogue sections and shave off three minutes” The story is part of the game. STFU. “Oh I did this asinine series of movements and now I can walk across the sky avoiding enemies and pitfalls so I shaved 2.5 seconds of the level time” YOU SUCK!

Sequence Breaking is like Glitch Exploitation to the X-TREME! “I skipped 1/4 of Metroid by outsmarting the code” Well then you didn’t play the game, so your time doesn’t count. This is like telling your friend LOOK OVER THERE and taking extra money in Monopoly. You aren’t beating the game, you are avoiding the game. Just don’t play it if you want to avoid playing large sections of the game.

Now let me clarify, if you want to cheat for the sake of your own amusement in your own room go for it. I’m a user of cheat codes I admit it. I just don’t post those playthroughs online and act like I accomplished anything or deserve attention and Views.

The RNG Manipulation, this is just… Piss Off Mate. Total Go Away Mode. This is mostly used in RPGs, especially old-school console ones that more heavily leaned on random encounters. The idea is that calling it RNG is kind of a misnomer because you can “load the dice” by examining code and testing variables over and over like a scientist testing behavior in animals.

There’s an idea! If you want to test variables over and over again get a job in science so you actually get paid big money and benefit humanity!… No you’d rather have someone think your metaphorical penis is bigger than theirs? Okay that’s cool too bro. You do you.

So yeah. Instead of struggling with a game and surviving it’s unpredictable assaults of enemies you GODMODE it in the most literal ways. “I control when I get attacked, what monsters attack me, oh and I guarantee critical hits every time so it’s basically impossible for me to die and I level up at like ten times the rate I should.”

Well then you aren’t playing the game. You are violating it. You snuck up behind it in a subway, reached under its skirt, pushed its panties out of the way and jammed your finger way up its butthole. Congratulations jerk. You proved you are superior to not even a machine, to just the software. To something so primitive it’s not even on an A.I. scale. This isn’t HAL, this isn’t Skynet. This is a series of blinking lights and shiny objects. You beat a baby at chess, and now you want to post the video online and brag about the “quick completion”. Yeah No.

I may not have a following in the millions. People on Reddit don’t discuss me. Unless there is a r/bitteroldnerds someone posted a pic of me to without telling me. Sorry I only look at Reddit pics if it involves women desperately looking for attention.

Yes I’m a bad person. We’ve discussed this before. I’m pretty sure that’s the company slogan.

Now again let me clarify. You want to upload a tutorial video on how to do any of these shortcut things so folks can learn how it is done? Sure. That’s Awesome. Legit. I support education in all its forms and showing people how you do something as math heavy as RNG Exploit or how precise these sequence breaks can be so people can understand how it slipped past programmers instead of being smug little judgemental pricks going “Where The Testing Yo!” on twitter. I Support You.

Just quit seeking glory for “speeding through life” Because funny thing kid, the old ancient fossilized cliches are right. “Life is a leisurely journey not a race so enjoy the trip.” Or just hit up our social media and call me an asshole. Won’t trigger me, though I might engage you in a smartass contest if I’m bored. Unless you brag about being FIRST to post. No speedrunning the feedback.

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