So, it’s been a couple years now since that fateful night when Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley came out and not only announced three NXT call-ups : Sasha “Legit Boss” Banks, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch. Everyone watching knew WWE had booked themselves in a corner with AJ Lee pulling a runner like her hubby, Phil “Legally I’m Still CM Punk”Brooks. So, Paige needed backup. Tamina and Naomi needed… someone who could cut a promo.
By the way, Naomi, generic heel was not a good look for you. The Glow is much better.
We also got the most awkward marketing slogan of all time. The Women’s Revolution (Or Evolution, dependent on whether it’s good for business.) As a one-off thing to explain bringing up three women to cause a three-way stable war, it would have been fine.
Yet, commentators kept using it. The WWE Hype Machine wouldn’t stop using it. It lost all its steam when Creative couldn’t keep up with the expectations they created.
Also: The Bellas are an ugly wart-ridden reminder of the previous era, and it took a long time to get them out of the ring. Spoiler Alert: we keep getting threats of Bella Comebacks.
Pause to throw up in my mouth a little.
The problem with The Revolution is they kept doing new things: Cage Matches, RAW Main Events, Pinfalls Count Anywhere. Hell In a Cell, Money in the Bank.
Normally, this is all fine by itself. That is what we have all been ready for: female wrestlers who are solid in-ring workers being allowed to work whatever stip they want or need. Except WWE keeps fucking it up.
Because of HISTORY! HISTORY!
THIS MATCH IS HISTORY! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY! IT’S HISTORY-MAKING!
The storylines crawl and stumble along. There was no storyline logic for the Women’s MITB, and they haven’t fully utilized it properly to get the fans buzzing. Imagine if Carmella actually competed every week, so she could look semi-legit when she does threaten a cash-in? Or, if she revealed the contract just stated “title match”, and she used the MITB contract to jump ship to RAW and take their belt?
Just the threat of it could lead to segments between the brand champions about the situation during dual-branded PPVs. It is actually a better idea than Alexa Bliss’ Same Old Promo about being a Mean Girl Goddess. This has been mercifully forgotten with the Asuka and Absolution call-ups.
Imagine if the HIAC match had been built up with Charlotte and Sasha tearing each other apart every week. Every meeting needed to be set up to sell the inherent violence of the match. The story of how the ring couldn’t contain them. Only the Cell can withstand the fury of their feud…
Order the PPV to see something just because we never did it before!
Also, Mick Foley getting no-sold, as he kept preaching about the dangers of the Cell.
And now, we have the Women’s Royal Rumble. For you normies: The Royal Rumble is a Battle Royale with tweaked rules, and a WrestleMania title match as a prize. The thing is Battle Royales have been a often-used crutch for the WWE Women since the Attitude Era. Program Note: It’s usually on free TV.
Remember those Fulfill Your Fetish Fantasy Battle Royales from Taboo Tuesday I and II? Yeah… Not to mention all the Halloween Cosplay ones. Fuck me, why should we be excited to pay for a Women’s Battle Royale again?
“Because… It’s a Royal Rumble! Staggered Entrants! Wrestlemania! H I S T O R Y! It’s Equality!”
No, let’s educate, shall we? Chyna entering and being considered a valid challenger was historic. Kharma entering and owning Michael Cole and Hunico. This forced Dolph Ziggler to put effort into eliminating her. That was empowering!
This booking is separate but equal. That’s called segregation, and it should not be celebrated. Just stop it, WWE.
Stop having the women act like school students afraid to do anything when Principal McMahon-Helmsley comes out. It forces everyone break character, so they can act like she is some savior to all things female.
Now don’t get me wrong. I look forward to Girls Rumble. Because we get both brands in one ring and possibly some NXTs and if push comes to shove, some Legends back in the ring to fill the numbers. It has the potential to be a great match just like any year’s Royal Rumble, even though it’s been many years since FIRST EVAR!
Don’t force history. Don’t sell history as something important just because it’s first time EVAR! Just book a feud that requires the damn gimmick match, and then do the gimmick match. Stop crowing: “Yeah, we are so forward-thinking because we did this thing! We want you to praise us for being forward-thinking!” Just book awesome angles and matches that we will remember forever.
That’s all we ask.